I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
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