someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
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