I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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