Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
