Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You were trust falling into bushes
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
