he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
