yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Randomize
