This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
