the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
