Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
