I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ketchup is God's man juice
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
