This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
