i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
