Your face is a jimmy john
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
