Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
