Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I lost the right to judge tonight
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
