Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think a kid would responsible me up
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
