Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
