You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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