Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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