my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
God, I missed his penis.
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