Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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