Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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