if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
