my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
