4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
