I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
