i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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