you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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