It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
