I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
