She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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