This girl is more easily done than said...
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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