im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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