What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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