i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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