NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
