I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
