So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
