it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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