dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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