I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
