you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
