I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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