i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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