? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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