I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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