it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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