I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just want to make out with him forever
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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