): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
