either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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