I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
