thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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