I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
