You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
