Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
