at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
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