the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
