i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
