If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
