my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
